Alone

I feel alone a lot these days. Occasionally lonely, but mostly just alone. I've been alright with being alone because as a child being alone was at a premium so I kind of treasured solitude. In a way I still do. I'm talking about on our journey in life. We are all alone, ultimately. We have our parents and our spouses, children, siblings, extended family and our very close friends, but over time, we lose them in one form or another and even in their company we are alone. As a young person, you seldom realize it, or think of it in that way but I have found as I have gotten older, that we are alone. No one can really share your thoughts, your feelings, your pain, your joy, or even your beliefs. You are a universe unto yourself. Alone. I've realized lately that we really need to love ourselves. Not in a selfish or self-centered way but in sort of a kind way. We must be kind to ourselves and give ourselves a certain amount of leeway for our feelings or our behavior (provided it's not off the charts of acceptable norms). I've lost 3 siblings in the last 11 or so years now, a brother and sister in the last 3. I watched them die, alone. People around them, but they were in themselves alone. No husband, no son or daughter, no brother or sister can relieve that aloneness, that apartness. They entered this world alone and they left it, alone. This realization has prompted sadness for me, to realize that I am alone in the universe and that my loved ones, my wife, my son, the whole of my family, my good friends, all exist in this universe as solitary beings. I think it's important to have a certain amount of mental/emotional toughness to be able to confront this reality and to endure your life as you must, alone. I have been noticing that as I grow older I am becoming more and more emotional, more prone to express my feelings, to privately cry to grieve this loss. The loss of illusory connectedness to people, places and things. I feel like I need to take a deep dive into myself. To work on myself, to be kind to myself and show the people closest to me, a better me.