Terra Incognita

It has been one month since my sister passed away. I cannot seem to convey or sum up how I feel about this event, since I believe I have been grieving for her for decades. Although I have serious doubts about god and religion, I suppose I could say that God managed to answer at least one of my prayers or desires and that was that my sister would go peacefully. It was only fitting that it be this way since the last 33 years of her life were such a tremendous struggle for her. I was pleased to have gotten my way on the back of her prayer card that was at the funeral home. The words spoke to me and I heard people say that they were very appropriate in this case.

No more suffering or pain-
I'm now living.
Thank you for your unselfish giving.
I'm at peace and I'm in no pain.
I'll look down on you through sun or rain and pray that your sadness ends soon.
Look up towards the moon, but don't cry for me-Because I'm finally free.
I'll once and for all be me.
God will take care of me now.

I chose those words from the book of things that the funeral director gave for all of us to look at. Life will be different without my sister. More peaceful and predictable in some ways, poorer in others. Through the years she suffered a great deal from her illness, but also from lack of understanding, kindness and ignorance. I only have two regrets with my sister, but as the "cancer man" on the X-files once said: "Regret is a consequence of living". I am at peace knowing I was on balance, a good brother, loving and caring. I worried a great deal about my sister at various times. Those times that I knew she wasn't very safe, or getting proper meals or medical attention. Those times are the sources of my greatest regrets. A good friend told me when we were very young when discussing his father whom from my vantage point was not a very good father that he was "doing the best he can" and in fact at any given time we are all doing the best we can. My friend was always much wiser than I, wise beyond his years. I've always been a late bloomer. Wisdom is an expensive commodity, I realize people like my friend have paid for their wisdom dearly. My wisdom, coming much later is no less expensive. I did the best I could under the circumstances.

Meanwhile, I am also in the fourth week of my new job. A strange place, but I think it will be a safe harbor in the economic hurricane that is going to be Southeastern Michigan. All in all, I am visiting strange, uncharted places.

My new year has gotten off to a rocky start. I wish you peace and prosperity in your new year.

Christmas Shoals

Well, the Yuletide is only two weeks away and finally I realize how fragile the order of things are. This week we were finally, officially informed that the company is being sold. For me, this is a double-edged sword. There is a certain relief of knowing that what we all had known at work for months was true and now a certain anxiety knowing that in all likelihood, I would lose my job in X number of months. It now meant that the recent interview I had was not in vain, but now it meant that getting an offer was all the more important as well. There are manifold implications with these developments. It is clear to me now that business that depend on, or are automotive at the base are no longer going to be "employers of choice" and that I could probably count on having a bit of a declining living standard, working harder, perhaps learning more in the long run, but who knows? The notion of security is such an illusion. The only security you have is the very little that you can provide for yourself. I've learned the hard way that my father was right all of these years. Not that I ever really took issue with him or his ways but I haven't been abiding by his teachings regarding credit and money, etc. The older I get, the smarter he becomes. My father died with a total indebtedness to the world of under $60.00, not counting the usual bills one has for light, heat, phone, etc. It was an object lesson in how to manage ones affairs. My goal now, is to make it through Christmas without adding to my small pile of credit card debt. I hope to slay that dragon in the new year, probably before the end of it anyway. Barring any unforeseen events. Need to make myself more marketable, perhaps it's time to learn a new trade as well. I'm still in my early forties and all I've ever really done since for the last twenty years is computer related work.

It's scary out there now.

Fall Storage

Another season has come and gone and the Cat's Pajamas did not sail this year. We did however have the carb on the outboard rebuilt (at the cost of over $200.00) at Michigan Marine Gear and I acquired a new deep cycle battery as well. There are other improvements that are needed, but there simply isn't the will or the funds to get them done.

Well, there's always next year.

Log Entry

Well, Bandit finally had a successful sea-trial, at least in my presence. Of course we were plagued with bad weather and I had a support-call to try to deal with, but it was overall, uneventful, other than the lightning strikes on the horizon.

Here are some pictures:

Log Entry

I'm going to participate in another sea-trial this weekend. It will be interesting to see what the results are. Meanwhile, I'm planning to get the Cat's Pajamas out this weekend too. The weather from the previous weekend was not conducive to sailing, hopefully this weekend will be alright.

Rumors Dispelled and Bad News

Well, I spoke to my brother this weekend and I asked him about the rumor regarding my dad's old boat Poppy. Well, turns out John doesn't want it, which is probably a good decision for John, but I think it will mean that the Poppy will eventually be scrapped. Ultimately it doesn't matter to me, not one iota. It will mean however for my brother, I believe, that he failed in carrying on some sort of legacy left to him by my father. It is a legacy, that Peter chose to accept, to uphold, to carry forth. I for one felt that it was a mistake from inception. I think at the time even he knew that, but could not face what he deemed as "failure". The reality is, that is was not a failure and that had Pete been more honest with himself, he would have chucked that boat (traded it in) long before it's real value had been completely depreciated, which is now the case. I believe he would be fortunate to find someone who would give him $1,000.00 for the boat, as it sits. I could be wrong however and in this case, I would be happy to be wrong, but unless there is something special about that boat that is not apparent to the casual observer, it is merely a sad testament to my brother's love of my father. A love that manifested itself in a strange expression of loyalty to retain one of those objects that my father dearly loved while he was living. I understand it, I simply wished it hadn't worked out this way, but as I said, I don't really care all that much, except to say it pains me to see my brother struggle so much with an object. And really, that's all it is, an object. The boat itself was not magical, I know my brother didn't even like it that much when my dad was living. It was a nice boat and all, but it never really "fit" my dad and I don't believe (and I don't think he believes) it fits my brother.

The bad news part of this entry is that in the same phone call my brother told me his eldest daughter, a beautiful girl of only 24 has breast cancer. It was devastating news as she was the first child of her generation in my family, my first niece, his first born. An intelligent, beautiful, but apparently troubled girl, a product of a bitter divorce and only recently reconcilled with her father from whom she was estranged for many years. It appears that she was struggling to make it in Chicago, working and schooling, after her mother more or less abandoned her to her own devices and returned to a southern clime (she was from Alabama and as far as I know always hated the north) and my niece continued on, in her own life, in Chicago. Being a student, she put off early detection because medical care in this country is rationed out to those who can afford it, not to those who need it most and now it sounds like she has a more advanced case and is going into chemotherapy. I choked down my tears a bit on the call and I know my brother is putting on a brave face, but I know inside, he's crushed, devastated and very worried.

Life just isn't fair.

I only know what my brother tells me, and I would never dare to ask nosey questions of my niece about her lifestyle or habits, but it's fair to say she has had a rough start in life and now this. It makes me angry. I don't know who to rage to or against (as if it would do any good) and I am so strangely disconnected, it's hard to cry. I am sad and I felt the sadness well up when I was told the news, but what do I do now? How do I interact with Pete? What do I do or say for/to my niece? I should drop her a line, an email, a call I suppose, but she will know it's because I've been given the bad news.

I'm at a loss.

Log Entry

I spoke with my brother Paul today around lunch. He is skipper of a Cacci Craft, an open bow tri-hull runabout currently named Bandit. He purchased Bandit with my advice/assistance and we allowed the seller to pull a fast one on us. He took a depth sounder/fish finder off of the boat (it was off when we saw it, we presumed it would be put back on once it was clear we were buying it) and gave my brother an older, un-pretty model of depth sounder/fish finder, an older Hummingbird model. Needless to say, the holes on the transducer mounts did not match up and well, holes in a boat present a little problem. The good news however, is that Paul has found what sounds like a reputable shop that has quoted him a reasonable price and given him what appears to be sound advice regarding it's repair. In a nut shell it can be summed up as:

This boat will not be repaired properly this season, the fiberglass is too wet. Fix it next year when the glass is dry.

I for one appreciated this kind of assessment. It seems to be an honest approach and the quote my brother told me seemed reasonable for the amount and kind of work involved. This person also gave my brother a temporary work-around to get the boat out this season, so hopefully, he'll have it out maybe even this weekend.

I feel badly about all of this however, because I found the boat and I urged my brother to buy it, pumping him up about it. Overall, I don't think the boat is a disaster, but a little more care in our negotiations or just more caution in general when a boat has a damned hole in it, might have spared my brother some aggravation, but I still think, over all, that this boat will serve him well.